Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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