Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
