I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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