You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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