Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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