So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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