Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize