i was born a porn star she said
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
