my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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