Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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