Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
