i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
