I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
