there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize