Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
