My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize