I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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