i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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