I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
