Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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