Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
