Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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