yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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