Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
