Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
