i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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