I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
