I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
