I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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