Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
In America we eat man semen.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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