I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
