I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
