the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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