tell your sister to shave her snatch
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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