My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
