last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
