are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
