Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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