Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
