My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
