i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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