i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize