i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
