I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize