Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
