Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
