I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
