You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
