Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
