I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
