I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
