You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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