How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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