The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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