and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
