Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize