Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
