there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
