I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
